I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Randomize
