I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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