someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
