the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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