So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
