There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Randomize
