Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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