This is the prime rib incident all over again
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We have so much sex to catch up on
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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