can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
