when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
My life is pants optional.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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