Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
