my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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