She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
