I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
