Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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