last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Randomize
