Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
