im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
