Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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