she woke up with a sticky ear
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
