you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
