My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
