Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
