Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
