two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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