If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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