I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Randomize
