also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
