I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
