Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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