can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
