I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
