Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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