right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
