I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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