Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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