i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
