our cab driver is having phone sex.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
