just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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