dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
