Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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