My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I need a beard to bite.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
