God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
