Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
