Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
