Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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