a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
