I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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