my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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