I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
