I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
