sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
